kellygullo's Cancer Blog

December 3, 2007

That Big Pink Elephant

Views: 631

I sometimes feel like shutting myself up in my home for the duration of my life. Not because I’m too weak and tired to move and not because I’m feeling nauseous or because I’m unable to walk – but because I don’t feel like I can relate to the “outside” world anymore. If I try explaining my emotions of fear, mental exhaustion, worry, and loss of confidence to friends or family members, the typical response goes something like this:

“Think Positive! If I had cancer I would savor every minute and do all the things I always dreamed of doing. Eat healthy! Exercise! I heard about this place in Mexico you should try visiting, I heard you should be drinking lots of green tea and pomegranite juice. If I were you, I’d go and live each day like it was your last because we’re all going to die someday! Even I could get hit by a bus tomorrow!”

These are all well-intentioned, intelligent people. They are all people I love and know genuinely care about me. But, I’m having issues with each and every one of them telling me how I should be feeling. I guess my outlook is disturbing to them. I know they don’t like to see me suffering and to hear that I’m not bouncing around like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh… but I’m just being me. I’ve never been an optimist. I like to see things realistically. The realism is that I have (or “had”) cancer and it’s been an extremely traumatic experience for me and I’m still trying to grapple with these emotions.

The fact is this: I cannot “think” my cancer away. I DO savor every minute of every day now but I don’t exactly feel like going skydiving or climbing the Alps just to prove that I’m still alive. Eating healthy and exercising is fantastic – it does boost your immune system and there’s no reason not to diet and stay fit, however I always tried to be fit and always dieted and exercised before cancer invaded my life. I did not get breast cancer from being unhealthy. And last, but not least, I do not walk around thinking that I’m the only mortal being on this planet… I realize fully that we’re all going to die someday, but it’s those people who get run over by the bus that never knew what hit them! Cancer comes at you slowly and you have to constantly be reminded by it (that big pink elephant). It’s that big pink elephant that taunts you in the morning, laughs at you at noon and teases you at nighttime. I’m looking forward to shrinking this monstrosity down to the size of a peanut…but that’s a long way off.

Posted on December 3, 2007 at 2:33:34 PM by Kelly Gullo ( That Big Pink Elephant, 7 comments)

I relate completely! If we could just turn off our brains! That would do the trick for me…

Posted on December 3, 2007 at 2:37:26 PM by sue123

Wow you just said everything that I would have said only I have a hard time finding the words these days. Instead I’ve just been ever so slightly in a bad mood for the last two weeks instead and I think I’m taking it out on my husband too much!
The feeling of locking ones self up in the house I would have to say are the same feelings I have constantly. Every Morning I want to stay home from work and just do nothing. Instead I drag myself out of bed and into the shower and into my car one step at a time.
I know everyone who offers advise really thinks they are helping, I get the same comments by people I dearly love. I’ve even tried explaining my feeling with no luck because they will never understand. At this point I find that its best to leave my feelings about all of this away from friends and family. It’s just easier this way, at least I don’t have to hear their opinions on something they know nothing about. I know my ranting is not helping you any. I just want you to know your not alone, your frustration is exactly the way I’m feeling also right now and I have no idea why. Life is actually pretty good and I’m not depressed (really I’m not). I just feel wierd some times. This is a good place to get it off your chest!

Jessi

Posted on December 3, 2007 at 2:48:23 PM by jezzica

I understand where you are coming from on this. Some days I just want to lay on the couch and watch old movies. I don’t want to be Super Cancer Woman who handles all problems, issues, challenges and set backs. People mean well but sometimes you just want to be left alone.

Posted on December 3, 2007 at 2:58:45 PM by carolmcb

Gals I just wanted to let you know I LOVE YOU ALL KNOW MATTER WHAT YOU SAY HERE.

:0)

Posted on December 3, 2007 at 7:30:34 PM by karlak

You can always borrow my line.
You know you take care of that for me ok. I am a little busy just trying to stay alive, upright, breathing. I change it up sometimes. I am so sick of people telling me the cure is just minutes away, think positive, drink this poison tasting yellow stuff I hear its great to help cure cancer.
If you go to this or other 3rd world country and give them 10,000 dollars they can cure your cancer. Just tell them for them to go get the treatments and test it for you and if they don’t die you will think about it. Believe me I am right there with ya, I hear it everyday.
Donna

Posted on December 3, 2007 at 9:58:17 PM by stage4

Kelly where in Michigan does your family live?

Can email if want:

sue123@twmi.rr.com

Posted on December 9, 2007 at 2:40:39 PM by sue123

Kelly,

My favorite line is “breast cancer is cured 97% of the time, you don’t have anything to worry about” or “you look pretty healthy to me”. I am with you on the well intentioned.

Melissa

Posted on December 11, 2007 at 4:03:22 PM by melsamei